You'll never be alone
by Cats070911
Summary: When Barbara behaves strangely Tommy is worried. Her secret forces him to recognise his feelings for her.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note:** all the usual disclaimers apply. Just romantic(ish) fluff, but hey we all need a bit of that at times.

* * *

Something about Havers' tone had worried Tommy. It was unusual for his sergeant to ask for time off, especially at such short notice, and she had barely smiled all day. He had even used his best corny joke as they sat in traffic but Barbara had sniggered half-heartedly and stared out the window. She had even left early without any interest in the quick pint that he had proposed. He knew something was wrong but he had no idea what.

"Lynley," he said quickly as he answered his phone. It was was his mother. He had hoped it was Barbara.

His mother chatted for a few minutes then asked bluntly, "Tommy you're distracted. What's wrong?"

"Nothing to worry about Mother. It's just that Barbara was acting strangely today and needs to take tomorrow off."

"Some Detective Inspector you are if you don't know what's wrong."

"She didn't say and I didn't like to pry. Barbara can be very private."

"From what you've told me she has few friends apart from you. Maybe you needed to be Tommy when she asked instead of her boss."

Her words hit home. When she told him she needed the day to attend to a personal matter he had been behind his desk. He had simply looked up and seeing the worry on her face had said, "of course." He cursed his stupidity for not getting up and going around to her. He should have asked if he could help but that usually backfired on him so he had waited for her to ask. She had stood awkwardly for a moment then excused herself. He wished he could have that moment back.

"Mother, sorry I have to go. I have to go to her now and see if I can help."

Lynley drove quickly. Her flat was only twenty minutes away but tonight he was there in fifteen. Her light was on. He took a deep breath and rang her bell. The heavy blue door swung open to reveal a haggard, slightly shriveled effigy of his partner. It was clear she had been crying. "Sir! Why are you here?"

"Oh Barbara what's wrong?" It pained him to see her so distraught and trying bravely to hide it. "I was worried. May I come in?"

Barbara was standing forlornly in lime green flannelette pyjamas with a print of small monkeys eating bananas. Panda slippers adorned her feet. She nodded then turned and toddled down her hall. Tommy could not help but smile at her childlike innocence.

"Coffee? Tea? Nightcap?"

"Tea but only if you were having one. Barbara stop fussing and come and talk with me."

"If it's about the case I'm not up to it tonight Sir."

He moved next to her and took the teapot from her shaking hand. He placed it on the kitchen bench then put his arm around her shoulder. "Tell me," he said gently.

"Can't. I'm alright. Really."

"Barbara, we're friends. You can tell me anything. I want to help you."

Her eyes filed with unspent tears as she looked up trustingly at his face. "I'm fine, honestly but thank you for caring enough to come over."

"Of course I care enough. You're my...dearest friend."

Now tears did spill from her eyes. Tommy had only seen her like that once and instinctively he wrapped his arms around her and held her close, just as he had done on that day. She returned the hug and he laid his face gently on her head. Tommy was startled by how good it felt to hold her. The warmth of her hands was comforting on his back and her breath, filtered by the cotton of his shirt, made the hairs on his chest move in a way that was oddly soothing. The citrusy scent of her hair, and its silkiness against his face made him crave to be closer. He tightened his embrace and held her until her sobbing ceased. "It's okay Barbara, I'm here. You can confide in me. You can trust me with anything."

When Barbara broke away Tommy felt lonely. He was supposed to be comforting her and yet he felt as if holding her was mending a part of him that he had not realised was broken. He was mortified but oddly unsurprised with his desire to kiss her. He knew it would be a mistake. He was here to help her and any attempt to kiss her would be seen as taking advantage of her. She would never forgive him and he would never forgive himself.

She thrust a piece of paper in his hands. He read it quickly. "Oh Barbara! You should've told me." He looked at the date of the letter. It was nearly a week old. "How long have you known?"

"Since the night before last. I wasn't too concerned at first but today they rang and insisted I have the test this week. That's when it hit me that 'abnormal' was their code word for 'suspected cancer'."

"You don't know that," he said logically, "abnormal test results can come from many causes."

"I just thought it was an infection. The ultrasound was inconclusive but now the blood tests are abnormal. Elevated levels of things I don't understand. They want me to have a biopsy tomorrow. That's why I need the time off. They say it is very painful."

"I'll come with you," he declared. "If you will let me," he added cautiously.

She nodded and fresh tears rolled down her cheeks. "Thank you Sir. You don't have to do that."

"I want to Barbara. You shouldn't have to face this alone and you don't have to. I'm always here for you. I hope you know that."

Tommy embraced her again and they clung to each other as if the next minutes might be their last. Slowly Tommy began to caress her back in long, consoling strokes. The thought of possibly losing her was terrifying. He had assumed she would be there forever but when he thought logically about it, that made no sense. He had no claim over her. He knew they had both fought to stay together over time. They had skillfully dodged transfers and even promotion. Now Tommy realised why; at least on his part. He was astounded that he had never realised before that he loved her as far more than his colleague or friend.

Barbara eventually straightened in his arms. "How about that tea?"

They sat at her bench chatting about nothing as they sipped several cups of tea. Barbara looked up at the clock and frowned. "It's gone eleven Sir. I understand if you need to go."

"Do you want me to go?"

"No," she admitted as she looked down at the floor.

"Then let me stay."

Barbara had no frame of reference to guide her. He had stayed once before, curled uncomfortably on her couch, when he could not face going home but this time was different; he was here for her and she wondered if he intended to share her bed. "Thank you," she replied hoping that indicated she would not object.

She had been disappointed when he had not asked at the office why she needed the time off. She had wanted to share her fears and have him tell her why they were exaggerated. But he had not questioned her and she knew it was mainly because she could still, after all their years together, be prickly and volatile. She had come home and had a long warm shower and tried to reassure herself everything would be fine. She was not particularly scared of dying although she did not want to suffer. She had tried to approach it logically by searching the internet for information. Nothing gave her any reassurance that she did not have cancer. Only the biopsy and tests would confirm or deny.

She had sat numbly on her couch thinking about her life. Her brother and parents were dead and other than Winston and Stuart her only friend was her boss. She cherished his friendship. She sometimes wondered if he knew that she actually adored him despite his periodic moody arrogance. It had often been a struggle to just be his friend. That night he had come to her for comfort they had spoken about how important they were to each other. She had almost told him but she had known that if anything had happened it would have been from his aching loneliness, not any desire for her. He loved her as a friend and now he was here proving it to be true.

Barbara looked at him uncertainly and unusually he looked awkward. Finally he moved to her couch and patted the seat next to him. She sat and he turned off the lamp. The darkness was less frightening than the light and when his arm extended around her shoulder she sank gratefully into him. Her motivation mattered little and even she did not know if it was forbidden desire or fear of her future.

"What time's your appointment?"

"Ten."

"Barbara...I know what you will say but if, and I mean IF, there is anything wrong I'll pay for the best care. Don't say no. Let me do it for you."

"Let's hope I don't need to decide."

Tommy kissed the top of her head and pulled her closer, cocooning her in his arms. "It will be okay Barbara. My cousin Richmond lost a kidney to cancer nearly twenty years ago and I see him every year at Ascot. Not that I think you have cancer but it truly isn't as grim as was twenty years ago."

"Knowing that doesn't make it any less scary."

"I know Barbara but we'll face it together, okay?" She nodded and turned her face into his shoulder as he held her.

She woke with a start when Tommy shifted his weight. He was trying to move his leg. "Oh Barbara, I'm sorry. My leg's gone to sleep."

In the dark the decision was much easier. "We'd both be more comfortable in my bed."

She took his hand and led the way down the unlit corridor. She had expected him to lie down in his clothes but when he stripped off his shirt and trousers she was glad the dark hid her embarrassment. When his socks came off she held her breath. He climbed in as if it was his bed and she began to breathe again. The thought of him in her bed in nothing more than his jocks was disturbing but also somewhat wonderful. Her double bed was too small for them to have much space but at least it was not a single. The bed had never been shared but it was her statement of adulthood. Only children and old people slept in single beds. She nervously slipped under the sheets and tried to take up as little space as possible.

Tommy searched for her with his hands and gently encouraged her to move closer. As she snuggled into him his skin tingled as her hair and face brushed it. He made sure only their top halves touched aware that his body was betraying his true desires. He suppressed a groan when her hand came to rest on his side and she wriggled closer. He kissed her forehead then locked her head under his chin afraid that he might not be able to resist kissing her. His feelings were simultaneously glorious and frightening. He was here to protect her and support her and he was determined that he would not let the circumstances lead them into something they were ill-prepared to confront.

When Barbara woke with the light creeping through her window she smiled. Tommy was cuddled close behind her like spoons in drawer, his hand draped over her holding a handful of monkeys and bananas. As he stirred her smile grew broader. She knew the physiology of waking men but until he spoke she could pretend they were lovers and that it was her that caused it.

Tommy felt Barbara moving against him. She was clearly oblivious to the consequences if she continued. He decided discretion was better than temptation. He sat up and left her bed with a cheery, "good morning Barbara. I'll be right back."

True to his word he returned from the bathroom and climbed back under the covers and wrapped his arms around her. "Why don't you pack a bag and come back to my place tonight?"

"Why? You think it'll be bad news don't you?"

He sensed her fear. "No, but either way if it were me I wouldn't want to spend the night alone. We can have dinner and talk or simply sit and read, or watch television. I don't want to lie awake thinking of you here alone when we could be together." Barbara frowned at him. "Humour me Barbara. I care about you. I need to know you are okay. Shock and even relief have affects you can't predict. I want to be there for you, to support you, to protect you."

"Protect me?"

"Shield you, comfort you. I don't know, what's a better word? Love you?"

"I see," she said warily while her heart did a thousand star jumps.

"I think I'd like to take up your invitation Tommy. I'm glad you came around last night. It...helped...a lot...just to know I'm not alone."

"You'll never be alone." She had finally called him by name and he gave her one of his most sincere smiles which broadened when he saw her eyes twinkle in response. He quickly kissed on the forehead before he was tempted to kiss her properly.


	2. Chapter 2

The medical centre was decorated in standard medical beige complimented by a lingering undertone of pine antiseptic. They waited impatiently on the hard plastic chairs until her name was called. "You'll be fine," he said reassuringly as he gave her a hug. "I'll be right here when you come out."

Tommy paced restlessly for almost two hours. As time went on he became increasingly concerned. Three times he checked with the receptionist only to be told everything was fine and the tests would be finished soon. He sat down and put his head in his hands. He was not sure what to say to her if the news was bad. All he could do was get the best doctors that money could buy but it was woefully inadequate given everything she had done for him.

"Thomas Lynley?"

He looked up. A doctor in navy scrubs was walking towards him. "Yes."

"Mr Lynley, you're Ms Havers partner I believe? Her next-of-kin?"

Tommy realised then that he was the closest thing to family she had. "Yes. How is she? What did they find?"

"She's recovering but she had a bad reaction to the contrast medium we used. We completed the tests but she will feel shivery and cold for a few hours and probably nauseous. Probably best to take her home let her have a warm bath or shower then put her to bed. She can have a brandy or similar to warm her but not too many please."

Tommy pushed the lock of hair that had flopped over his left eye back behind his ear. "Certainly. Any results?"

"There's a lump on her right kidney but it appears to be a cyst. We took a biopsy of the fluid and surrounding tissue but the results will take a few days. There was nothing in other kidney or the bladder or urinary tract. Also she may experience bleeding for the next day or so. Don't be alarmed by some blood in the urine but if it's excessive call me. I'll take you to see her."

Barbara was shivering and her teeth were chattering together so fast he could barely understand what she was saying. "Come on, let's get you home and warmed up."

* * *

Tommy ran a hot bath and laid her pyjamas out on the bathroom bench. These were orange with grey, jumping kangaroos. He smiled at the thought of her in them. Unlike Helen's expensive silk negligees they could never be considered sexy but they were very Barbara and he knew he would enjoy stripping them off her far more than he had ever enjoyed disrobing his wife. The guilt of disloyalty weighed heavily as he waited anxiously outside the bathroom. Helen was dead and he had no reason to feel he was betraying her in any way but even though he had never kissed Barbara he knew he loved her in a way he had never loved Helen.

"Are you okay in there?" he yelled through the door.

A feeble, tremulous voice answered, "y...yy...yyy...yesssssssss!"

Barbara emerged a few minutes later. The kangaroos were hopping down sleeves that reached past her hands and her trouser legs were scrunched up over her bare feet. Tommy had a vision of a red-haired son standing in front of him looking up expectantly. He dismissed the idea. His thoughts were running too far ahead. For all he knew she might just think of him as a brother. "Into bed madam, doctor's orders. And here's some brandy to warm you up."

She drank the deep amber liquid quickly and shook her shoulders as if that dislodged the fiery taste. Tommy watched as her ears turned red. Amused, he took the tumbler from her hands and tucked her in. "I'll be back."

He undressed in the bathroom and slipped on a pair of navy sleep pants and a grey tee-shirt. It was only three o'clock in the afternoon but Barbara needed body heat and welcoming arms. She snuggled into him as he slipped into bed and he enfolded her in his arms. Within minutes her shaking had subsided into shivering and she had fallen asleep.

Barbara had been relieved that the probability was that her kidney was not cancerous but she had felt too ill to actually care. The warm bath had helped and she had been overwhelmed by Tommy's kindness and care. All she wanted to do was crawl into bed and dissolve into his arms. She had been too concerned about the tests to think about the previous night but when she woke around six o'clock with her face pressed into his chest she did not dare move for fear the spell would be broken. They were both rostered off for the next three days and she wondered how she could extend her time here. He would see through her of course so there was little point pretending she was still unwell. He would never send her home tonight but tomorrow this bittersweet day would be nothing but a memory. She snuggled closer.

When she woke again it was by Tommy softly shaking her. He had two bowls of steaming chicken soup on a platter. "I know it's a cliche," he said sheepishly, "but it will help."

He watched her carefully as she ate. "The doctor told me it is probably good news Barbara."

"I know, I'm hoping so Sir."

"What happened to Tommy?"

She looked away. "Dunno."

"Well, I think if you're sharing my bed and my bodyheat you could at least call me by name. That's only fair."

Barbara grinned and her face flushed. "Okay...Tommy."

"Right. I'll take these bowls downstairs while you clean your teeth and get ready to go back to sleep."

When he left the room she smiled. It was becoming slightly bizarre to have him looking after her but she was tired and grateful. She followed instructions then nestled into his gloriously soft sheets. She was still awake when he came from the bathroom, turned off the light and joined her. With their faces only inches apart in the growing darkness she smiled at him.

Tommy pushed her unruly hair off her face then softly stroked her cheek. He leant forward and lightly kissed her forehead. "Everything will be fine Barbara. I can't bear the thought of it being anything else. You do know...that you mean the world to me."

"Me too...well you too."

Her eyes betrayed her. She was not looking at him as a colleague, friend or even brother. He inhaled sharply then took his chance. He kissed her briefly as if testing the waters. There was no objection, no strike across his face, no tears - just a quiet little "oh."

Tommy watched carefully but Barbara had not moved. Her arm was still on his hip and her face was so close to his he could feel her minty breath on his lips. This time his kiss was longer and could not be mistaken for a friendly peck. "Now sleep," he ordered as he pulled her into his shoulder, "we can talk in the morning."

Barbara hoped her thumping heart would not give away her secret. His first kiss was friendly but could have come from a distant relative but his second had an edge to it that felt almost romantic. She had not really responded but if he had kissed her again she would have begun to devour him like a lioness who had not eaten for a month. Was it really possible that he had similar feelings for her? She dismissed the idea as ludicrous but could not erase her smile or that last little flicker of hope.

Tommy had no intention of trying to make love to her tonight after her tests but he was heartened that she had not tried to push him away. It was hard to tell in the near dark but she had looked happy. He hoped that was true and that he was not fooling himself. He ran his hands over her back and pressed her to him.

The next morning he was dreaming of kissing Barbara. He woke to find kangaroos swimming in his vision. Momentarily confused he remembered her pyjamas and then that exploratory kiss. Her arm was flung across his face and the sleeve tickled his lip. She was on her back, snoring softly. He grinned and gently moved her arm. She stirred and rolled over to face him.

Tommy watched her for a while. Now that he had kissed her she must know how he felt. They could never go back to Lynley and Havers now, not that he wanted to do that but he was not sure how Barbara felt. Maybe she had just thought he was being a close friend. As if feeling the scrutiny she slowly opened one eye then the other. "Hiya," she said as a cheeky grin developed.

"Good morning Barbara. Did you sleep well?"

"Hmm, like a baby."

"Me too," he said, then crossed the Rubicon, "I've never slept better than I have in your arms."

Barbara frowned but then smiled. "Oh."

"Barbara, last night...was intentional." He moved his face closer. "I wanted to kiss you. I still want to kiss you."

Barbara said nothing so he moved closer and kissed her softly. At first she did not respond but then pressed back. His lips began to gently beg for a more engaged kiss as he rolled her onto her back and wrapped his arms around her. Barbara whimpered and Tommy feared he had gone too far. He was about to back off and apologise when her hand went into his hair and pulled him closer. Suddenly nothing was impossible and their kiss developed a rhythm and depth that made Tommy float with joy. Barbara's kiss was loving and giving.

"We should have done that years ago," he whispered breathlessly.

"Hmm. Should we do this at all? It...it changes everything between us. We might not be able to go back."

"I don't want to go back!" Tommy kissed her ardently to reinforce his point. "Never! Can't you see I'm in love with you?"

"Don't say that...if you don't mean it." Barbara's worst fear was Tommy was reacting to the fear of losing her from his life as his best friend rather than revealing genuine love. He had a history of thinking he was in love when perhaps his feelings were more prosaic.

"Oh Barbara, I mean it!" He sat up. "I want you to believe that I mean it. I admit that it took this scare for me to realise that my fears and insecurities about what this means for us were far outweighed by my need to be with you. I know we were both scared by what might happen yesterday but even if the results are bad I want to spend every minute I can in your arms. It's the only place that I've ever felt safe, and loved. I am hoping you might feel the same way?"

Barbara began to cry. Tears rolled down her cheeks. "Yes but it can't be real, not after all these years."

Tommy was at a loss to know how to convince her. "But it is...it really is." He kissed her as gently and lovingly as he could.

Barbara decided to forget the future and live in the moment. "Prove it Tommy."

He gently lowered her onto his pillow as he tried to convey his feelings through his kiss. Barbara it seemed had other ideas. Her hands were roving seductively under his shirt trying to drag it from him. He sat up and pulled it over his head and tossed it on the floor before resuming his kiss. A few minutes later his hips were fighting with her hands as she tried to to tug him down against her and he resisted. "This is not about sex Barbara."

"Why not? We're both consenting adults."

Tommy pulled away and rolled onto his back. "I want to make love to you but I won't allow you to use me just to feel alive Barbara. Lord knows I've done that often enough myself to know what's it's like to need to feel close to someone, even for a few minutes, just to have a connection or believe you are normal and real." He turned to look at her. "I love you Barbara. I want to spend my life with you but I'd rather stop it here if you don't feel that way too. I want you to move in here and when you're ready we can get married but I don't want to give you my heart and my body if all you want is a hard..."

Barbara barely heard past 'I love you'. "I'm sorry," she said cutting across his speech. "It's not about sex. It's about wanting you, dreaming of you, being in love with you for years, and finally having you kiss me and hold me. I...I wanted to experience what it would be like before you changed your mind. I was scared this was all about yesterday. Now you're talking about moving in and a future. It's a dream Tommy, a wonderful dream but..."

Tommy was shocked to hear her say she had been in love with him for years. He had abused that so often with his behaviour. It must have been so hard for her watching him make a mess of his life. Perhaps she deserved someone better. No, she definitely did but she seemed to love him. Maybe he could become someone better with her. She was about to give him all the reasons why they could never work so he reached out and pulled her to him. She was shaking but as he kissed her she settled. He could feel the years of emotions in her kiss and he answered with his own as he slowly began to make love to her.

* * *

Four days later she knocked on his door. He smiled as as she entered and closed the door. "Hello my favourite sergeant."

"Hiya. They sent the test results." She waved the envelope in the air. Her face was impassive and hard to read.

Tommy's smile faded and he came around his desk and stood in front of her. They had been waiting for this but now it was here Tommy was scared. They had found in each other a rather special type of love; one that would sustain them through the worst but Tommy had had enough trauma in his life. He wanted to be able to plan their lives together. Barbara had been sleeping with him but had refused to speculate about a future together until they knew. "And?" he asked nervously.

She tore open the envelope and sighed. "No cancer. I need antibiotics and a scan in a month to check if it has gone."

"I knew it would be okay," he said with far more certainty than he had felt. Tommy hugged her then kissed her passionately. "I love you Barbara."

"I don't know why but it seems I love you too," she said with cheeky sincerity before she glanced around then kissed him again.

"We need to get out of here."

They walked calmly through the office. "We're going out to Canterbury again," he said solemnly as Barbara collected her bag and coat.

Barbara assumed that in fact they were going back to the crime scene until he turned his car north towards her flat. "Did you just lie to them?"

"Yes. We have something far more important to do, don't we?"

"What?"

"You're moving in with me remember."

"Oh am I?" she said with raised eyebrows.

"Aren't you?" he smirked.

They looked at each other and grinned. "Yeah, I guess I am."


End file.
